An Important Post in which I share something serious
This book reminded me of a story which my best friend of many years shared with me:
Today I am going to share the story of my best friend.
He was sexually abused when he was seven years old. The abuser was his neighbor’s son, who was 10
years older than him. The neighbor’s son used to exercise on the terrace of our building – a lonely dimly
lit place. He was strong and powerfully built south Indian and wore the traditional south Indian lungi.
One day he asked him to join him for exercise. He happily trotted upstairs; he was in awe of him. First he
showed push-ups but then told him to stand in front of him. He then started painful abuse. Then he let
him off after what seemed like a grueling time.
To this day he hates for not being violent at that point. He felt like a coward and deepened the shame he
There is no further recall of his feelings of that incident. It was buried deep within him, and he thought it
was shelved forever.
Molested victims take one of two paths: Either they hate sex and will not have anything to do with the
opposite gender – or they become addicted to sex. He took the second path – he became bonded to
masturbation and porn. He hated himself every time he took a wrong step. Every time he resolved to
not do it he would stay put for two or three days but would fall again soon. He felt completely helpless.
He was a good person but would feel like a hypocrite; as if shackled to this sick way of life and would
feel dirty and filthy, and felt irreconcilable.
The thought that drove him was “Perhaps you deserved it.” This irrational thinking and insane logic
prevailed just like it did for all victims – they were abused because it was their fault. The victims who felt
that at their core – minus their talents – they were completely unlovable. Thus he hated himself, and
hence they hunger for love. He couldn’t find love either because it wasn’t given to him or rejected it
because he didn’t love himself – and hence he found the substitute - addiction. Pleasurable feelings
stimulated intense feelings of being loved – what he was searching for.
The same insane logic prevailed in his relationships – he became an approval addict by allowing others
to emotionally abuse him. Approval from others became his all-consuming motive for all that he did in
his life. Every action, word, deed was designed to make people like him – a desperate hunt for love.
If someone close to him disapproved anything of his he would melt and die. So he avoided conflict with
everyone because of which he was thought of as a patient person. He was not angry at others when he
should have been! He became ashamed of HIM. He became ashamed of who he was. His defining
emotion was SHAME.
Is parents were wonderful and loving but like any parents they had their flaws. Firstly they were not
physically affectionate – no hugs or ‘I love you son.’ Ever. And he ever told them about the molestation
and still hasn’t. He was plodding through the world alone.
Till date he hasn’t shared his secret with another human face except his wife. Till now. He was afraid
that everyone would reject him if he did.
But it was a risk he had to take. Because he had to heal himself before he could truly become a success
in his own eyes.
You see, my best friend is me. I am my own best friend. This is my story.
I have been avoiding my past hurts and the abuse I suffered in my early life, I have been running away
from the truth.
Just do the right thing, I said. Just trade well and you will be there.
But my monsters have been growing and growing all these decades because I have never faced my inner
pain. When I pretend not to have a past it seems there is no desperation, no despair.
But there is now a real desperate need to. If I am to transcend from my broken record state of being a breakeven scratch trader and move on in life, I need to accept that I had been sick – to confront all my
feelings of shame, anger and sorrow… I realized that when I said I had driven through a dozen combines,
simply running hard enough to stay where I was, as if on a treadmill. It is time to move ahead on the
I am here to build from failures. I am broken and humble and use the shards of my reality to create a
beautiful microcosm. Instead of channeling my brokenness into poetry and writing I need to stop frantic
activity which is another drug of escape and sit quietly, mindfully. The deep hurt that needs to be
transcended is a Goliath – it is not easy to face it squarely. It is a fact that I have been staying in a place
of defeat purposefully, failing in trading subconsciously instead of acting in my best interests.
It is time to abandon what I still keep relating to as a home that I knew as a child. A familiar place of
sorrow and defeat where I must never go back again.
I visit this place every time I start a combine or open a trading account. It is a feeling as if being rich and
having plentiful abundance is not my destiny. Every time I succeed I become a rebel. A part of me
screams: “This isn’t me! This is me who can reach profit targets so easily, like stealing candy from a
baby! I don’t deserve this!” This gnaws into my bones and actually causes me physical pain. And
suddenly I want out – a one tick profit and I am done for the day… destroy, destroy this chance to win a
funded account, a new life. It is a path of sabotage. As if going home again to the place of sorrow and
abuse, comfortable to be the same old me.
However once I write it down and bring it out of the shadows and am face to face with – here on the
form, on the internet, for the world to see – I already feel liberated. I have begun my path to success.
I am crying, angry with myself for bursting out on a public forum, just slightly in the shadows from
behind a thin veil of anonymity that my id affords.
Today I am allowing you to love my weaknesses. I am trying to remove masks. Because if I am to love
myself genuinely I cannot wear a mask. My fellow strugglers, I hope you will love me truly because deep
down we are searching for the same things in life.
Today, I take responsibility. To make choices that address my need for loving me. All my trading is
directed to this goal. There is no will-power tactic to make it happen. The action is created in the same
truth that I have been created in. By being a bramhachari, I can channel my energies to attain business
success! How? I will stay focused on fulfilling my dreams! I will be and am now - desperate, focused,
passionate – because of which I am calm! It is just happening…. It is giving me peace, balance, discipline
and I am taking my life back from talons of hateful addictions and automatic self-christened labels.
But… My healing process will never be completed, my struggles will continue, lest I lower my guard,
overconfident or just plain lazy.
My actions keep / will keep setting me free….
Join me on my journey as I gain my freedom, a freedom that I have chosen, shaped and take
responsibility for. I am getting real NOW. I do not deny that I have addictions. I am a full-blooded human
being who has joys, hurts, is given opportunities, have the dark potential to mess them, AND the
blessings of my abilities to shape them into accomplishments.
If I pay for a combine, and not go anywhere, I am accountable. Either I can choose to stay miserable by
not following my plan and being wimp and trading impulsively or I could start winning by facing my
opportunity and risk in full acceptance of the outcome. My past does not remove the burden of
responsibility from my shoulders. I have the complete degrees of freedom to respond to situations – this
freedom is placed into my own hands my myself by TAKING RESPONSIBILITY. My inner character is my
own sculpture, my own creation. Once I identify what it is that is influencing my decisions, if it is wrong I
remove it from my future decisions and thus place myself in a position of advantage. From my love of
myself and others comes courage, faith, patience, and the sum total that is the power to trade well.
This journal is my accountability partner, my support group, my place to receive tough love, honest
feedback where I will share my reality consistently and nourish myself enough to live my dream and
cause growth to build me and those around me.
Finally, I ask for forgiveness because though I keep trying trying trying the actions do not walk the talk
and hence one additional thing is that I will be brave and not hide from my monsters anymore, and won’t
pretend everything is Okay if I rollover a combine or achieve piddling success at the end of the year. This
is my self-driving motivation to act without fear and my force for change.
So I have built upon a ruin and have become more real to myself and to you. Honesty is contagious. My
journey isn’t over yet!
Here is to a life of a trader!
The following 27 users say Thank You to iqgod for this post:
You just showed courage that very few possess, @iqgod. You are very worthy of love and respect--no amount of trading success or failure could increase or decrease your ability to be loved by others. I admire you now even more than I did before.
The following 8 users say Thank You to josh for this post:
The great thing about this forum is that we have each other. It's a form of support even though we may not entirely know each other. The more we know, the more we see that we are all very similar. Addiction and trading go hand in hand but if you follow trading far enough you'll start seeing into yourself and ways to transcend, become better, and better at simply being the person you want to be. Call it what you will but trading confronts character defects. It brings it face to face.
The following 8 users say Thank You to Itchymoku for this post:
While I messaged you privately regarding your post, I want to share something public.
It is my belief that what you shared, specifically the abuse issue, is something that many many men and women suffer early on in life. I am also convinced it is the root of many problems we face emotionally and mentally and that releasing it and forgiveness are the keys to healing.....(unfortunately I have personal experience with this within my own family so I know what I'm talking about here)
I'm stunned at your honesty here in public. Grateful that you did, and looking forward to hearing stories of success.
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication, Leonardo da Vinci
Most people chose unhappiness over uncertainty, Tim Ferris
The following 7 users say Thank You to PandaWarrior for this post: