I was fairly intoxicated last night, too much wine on the side porch with Melissa. It was late on Saturday night and there had been a lot of tension between us that week related to me trading again. We needed to relax and just hang out. We were discussing that someone n the Doors died, downloaded and listended to Doors songs we had never heard before.
Alcohol reduces inhibitions. I really explained as best I can why I trade. She starts dancing to the Doors. Our discussion included definitions of genius, insanity, genetics, luck, risk, tenacity, communication. I said, "You know me better than anyone, I have always been this way. I have pursued some goal that was beyond "average" my whole life". She changed the subject back to music.
My wife kept getting up and dancing horrible disco as the songs in her Ipod took us through the 70s and 80s. If I had a camera I would be in trouble.
Later I went on, "Trading succsefullly full time is not "impossible". It is unlikely. You know that does not matter to me. You KNOW me, Melissa. Whatever I did before, forget it. I am showing you what I can do today. And while that sounds insane, that is how an independent trader progresses. Yes, I thought I had it worked out once before, and yes, I know how that went down. And I have tried to explain it all to you, just as I try to explain it to myself. I am maintaining my full time business right now which is providing more than we need for the moment, what I am doing today is not hurting us in any way, and you have to admit, I am getting fairly good at this"
I am trying to keep her through this whole thing. If she will believe in me, it will be a great psychological boost. But I don't want to lose her for it, and my intensity is ramping up again in trading, after we had talked about why I was quitting just last year. And it scares her, or at least, makes her uncomfortable. She thinks I will do well for a few months, then not for the next few, and that I will be on my computer 24/7 as I have been in the past.
I asked her to just spend the next few weeks paying attention to how much less I am on the computer recently, how much calmer I am about everything, and to sit down with me weekly to go over my performance numbers with me.
It would help her tremendously if there were other succesful traders in our area we could get together with, show that while I am the only person we know, there are others. To her if there were some social element even, it would be easier. I have futures.io (formerly BMT), which for me is enough. But for her, it is just another reason I am on the computer.
But the hardest part to explain with any success, is that trading was not what was the problem before, my mindset was the problem. I was going through such a tough time, losing our house, losng my identity, my pride, everything I had worked so hard and for so long for. That was not easy for me, and it finally showed up in my trading to the point where I had to get out of it or go down in flames.
Last edited by GaryD; May 26th, 2013 at 02:08 PM.
Reason: I am sober now
The following 5 users say Thank You to GaryD for this post:
As usual I was up early, reviewed the overnight session, cleaned up my workspace from some of the posts I did this weekend, and sat down the watch the 9am open in slow motion. I am not trading today, but unlike some work I have done in the past, I would prefer that the markets were tradeable today instead of another day off.
There were days last year that would physically wear me out. Looking back, I think it was the stress, I was probably tense, my heart rate was probably up, adrenaline was probably pumping, my body was in fight or flight mode. I have not felt that way this year.
When I was around 17-18 year old my parents were giving seminars on all kinds of things related to holistic health, which many times shifted into the realm of psychology, positive affirmations, creating reality. In one that comes to mind this morning, we were all asked to make a list of our 10 favorite things to do. I wish I could remember what I wrote, I know one of them was play music, but the other 9 would be fun to remember. Then we were told to go over that list, and decide which one would be capable of providing an income.
Trading started for me as a fantasy, a necessity, my only way out of where I was. And I truly put myself through hell sometimes to figure it out. Trading all day, then studying all night, laptop on the nightstand, waking up all hours of the night to watch some more. Insanity meets tenacity.
This morning is not a good trading opportunity, but was a good chance for me to think about a shift that has occured somewhere along the way. Maybe has been occuring over the past few years, but far more mature today than at any time prior. The stress feeling is not there anymore, I never feel tired after trading. Today I kind of miss it. And if I had to make a list of 10 things this morning, trading would be on it, somewhere near the top.
Sad to admit possibly, but I think I actually understand that.
But tomorrow is a better day for me. Psychologically I do better when I can read what is happening with volume. I would rather trade 3 contracts for 1/3 less move during RTH than 1 contract in overnight.
I started the day fading the move higher, got stopped out, then bought into the pullback, got stopped out, was down about $800.00. Scalped back to -$210.00, watched, and watched, and watched... and decided I was not looking for a good trade, I was looking for $210.00.
Walked. Came back to see I did not miss much today.
Last edited by GaryD; May 28th, 2013 at 03:06 PM.
The following user says Thank You to GaryD for this post:
Today felt weird to me, and I did not trade it well. When I look at the day after the market closed, it always looks so easy to have gotten into the zone. But today had a strange vibe to it, and because of that, I think, I wound up on the wrong side twice, then got gunshy and poked away at it.
My initial reaction was to fade the move up, and tonight as price explores below the day's range it seemed like a great trade. But this morning it was somewhat defiant of the open, and I knew that, but even with that knowledge I could not pull anything out of it.
TRying to describe the vibe, maybe it was like, "everyone was wrong"? That is not it exactly, but I don't have words for it tonight.
We wanted a reason to trade it, just because that is what we do, but so many traders remained convinced to buy, and an equal amount remained convinced to sell, or something like that. And maybe it was the pace of the motion that had me turned around. Price was so hesitant to choose a direction, and so reading direction became tricky.
I had thought earlier that maybe I came to the market lazy, thought it was going to hand me money. But I sat out on the porch reflecting on that, and no, if anything I was less confident than usual.
As much as I wish it were not true, no matter how hard I study or how many years I trade, there will be days I just don't get.
In the past, not understanding what happened during the day could send me back to charts, books, webinars, backtesting... looking for something to learn. Tonight, sitting out there with the breeze coming in off the lake, actualy laid back in a lounge chair about to nod off, I just took deep breaths, feeling content that whatever I did not understand today, it was ok. And for me, that is progress in some strange way.
I was very near bringing the opposite effect to my trading last week. Where I felt I "knew" what was going to happen and should press, but didn't. And it wound up doing what I thought it would that day, and while I made some money on it, it was nothing like what was almost, if it were not for some rules I have learned. Learning and unlearning.
But that was ok too. I felt good about having remained conservative. That too, is progress in a strange way.
My hope, or even expectation, is that I can expand on both directions. Mostly from the point of knowing when I am "in tune", and when I am not.
Last edited by GaryD; May 28th, 2013 at 09:24 PM.
The following 3 users say Thank You to GaryD for this post: