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Catching Big Waves - a trader's journal of surfing the the markets
a sign of just overconfidence and a warning to keep on your TOEs
Was you on a "Winners High"......?
I still get glitches its just recognizing and protecting your account and learning to re correct this bad behavior
" I will follow my rules, I will take my stops, I will be disciplined and i will work with the market....NOT AGAINST IT! Professional mind control is the key"
My problem is, I really can't say what caused it. I was risk averse for a long time, trading well, managing my account well, then one day I decided the market was going to run up, it didn't, I added in, it fell more, I dumped it, it started up, I went in again... Heavy still, feeling the curse of needing to maintain the same size to make it back...
Just a horrible trading experience for me after feeling like I was years away from doing somewthing that stupid. And the blow I have taken psychologically has been far more than I imagined it would be. Like I shattered a lot of beliefs in one day. I cannot believe myself. What the fuck happened?
Still very shaken, still very unsure, it was enough of a shock I went back to my doctor to confess my loss of control, feelings of regret, issues with still dealing with past losses. He put me on 3 separate perscriptions. That made me feel even more unsure about my mental state, motivations, discipline, etc.
I am going to watch my trades fror the next few weeks and make a decision to either shake it off and continue wiser, or step away entirely. I hate to consider it that way, but if my mind is not ritgh I will never get beyond this, in which case I am better off getting out.
Just a very low experience for me. I have lost weight, not slept, paced the house, not gone to the gym... I felt like I broke every rule I had, as if I were not even there for that day. Shameful. Infuriating. And possibly destroyed my hopes of mastering the psychology required to become a full time trader.
I don't know man, I knew moving back into this house had some bad energy to it. I had avoided this entire part of town for several years. But that may also just be an excuse. I think I may always be a little angry deep inside of having lost everything we had once, and wanting it back. Wanting to go back in time and do things differently.
I know that is silly. I have felt so far above that so many times. But today I just feel lousy, broken.
OK I think this is the above post being talked about, I see it now.
@GaryD, I know I sent you a PM, but I would like to publicly re-emphasize that you need some time off to re-evaluate and collect your thoughts, make sure you are moving forward and not in a circle. Take a month or two off from trading to clear your head.
You're right Mike. I don't know what to do about it. I was doing so well. I saw the pressure increase around the time someone on this thread said I should consider increasing size. I know it was my choice, but it started this push into trying to break through barriers. I guess I did, but in the wrong direction.
I was up every day for a couple weeks, took a few great trades that day, then had one turn on me and out of nowhere, went in from 1 to 5 to get back to even. Lost. Then 15. Then 25. It was horrible, and I still have no idea what got ahold of me in those few moments. It was like I stopped thinking, like I was not even there.
And then I just sat there and stared at what I had done. For hours, alone in my office, wishing I could rewind.
How could I destroy years of work in a short afternoon? I feel sick. To have put so many years into this, so much hard work, so much into the psychological pursuit, and then fall apart.
I still have more than enough in my account to trade, but I have been tempted to close my account altogether. This slip was major to me psychologically. I really wish there was someone "live" I could talk to.
I appreciate all that futures.io (formerly BMT) offers. I felt I found a place where I belonged.
Today I feel like an outcast, a failure, my own enemy. Horrible.
