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Catching Big Waves - a trader's journal of surfing the the markets
That my wins and losses totaled over $50k, and between the two the net was $7k.
I do not have NT open, but let's pretend wins were $32,000.00 and losses were $25,000.00. Total trade dollars of $57,000.00, and kept $7k. That still seems to me like a lot of risk, a lot of effort, and a minimal reward.
Can you help answer these questions from other members on NexusFi?
Most people give the market $25K and gave back -$25K + there house oppps
Never trade on leverage unless you got leverage
" I will follow my rules, I will take my stops, I will be disciplined and i will work with the market....NOT AGAINST IT! Professional mind control is the key"
So odd that the words fell as they did. What @websouth intended as a random distribution of words appeared to me as a clear message.
Randomness. It works in mysterious ways. I have often wondered about the statistic that 95% of traders fail. I would think it should be 50%, if everything were truly random. But I don't believe anything ever really is "random". I feel everything has it's place and it's purpose in our lives.
I went through a very dark time, a lot of loss of money, of homes, but more than anything, a loss of my identity. When all the things are stripped away, who is left? That is a valid question for someone who lives on tenacity and goals. I had to face that, and it was, and is, hard sometimes.
I found trading almost as some people find religion. A place to have faith, something to believe in. "Heaven" awaits, even, if you are a devout disciple. I needed something to believe in to keep me going. And it did that for me. There was always hope, I had something to study, better days ahead.
Mike, I am moving forward. Sometimes that is slow, but steady wins the race.
You and many others here have been a part mf my life for a reason. Celebrating my victories or agonizing with me over my struggles, while I have yet to meet anyone in person from futures.io (formerly BMT), it has meant a lot to me.
I was sitting here with my wife tonight discussing how lost I feel in many directions. I am seeing that trading to produce a sole income is tougher than I ever thought. I am also seeing that pursuing a career for the second time holds a lot less drive. I am learning that I don't want money, I want a "feeling" back, but somehow believe that feeling involves money. But it doesn't.
I don't read any other threads here really. I have read some here and there, and there are many good ones, but after a week or two always hit the unsubscribe button. Nothing against them, but that is not why I am here.
I love the webinars, the environment, the question and answer format, the indicators... but after I got into this, I find most useful the fact that I have a place to get all this stuff out and feel like I am being heard. Why it helps, who knows. Truthfully I could not prove it does. But it does.
While I post a lot of charts, discuss a lot of trades, even started this as a how-to, for me even, then one day the dam broke and ever since this has been a place for me to find myself.
I feel you are concerned for me, and I love that, but you shouldn't be. I am not writing to gain sympathy, or direction really. Just spent a lifetime being someone who kept everything to himself, and this experience is driving me deeper and deeper into my mind, learning things I never sought to know.
@websouth's post was very interesting to me. What I saw come together in such a weird way, is that "making something stop" is no different than my wife asking me when I would stop blaming myself. I study or work, no exageration, 7 days a week at least 14 hours a day. What has started to come up lately is my realization that... I don't get the "why" of the whole thing anymore.
From what I have gathered of your posts and webinars, your motivation to trade is different from mine. You wanted more peace, more independence. I want revenge. And that underlying factor causes me to torment myself, has me go to bed with my laptop, carry monitors through the airports, stay up posting here at 11pm.
@zt379, my personal Yoda, said something recently about "need". I felt I needed to be involved in a trade situation where I really had no edge whatsoever. Why? A weakness that is still inside me. Even if I made 500% a year, would it be worth it? Some might say, hell yes, but I have had a lot of money before, and am finding my relentless pursuit to get it back is becoming more and more useless to me. Yes, money is good, but so many of us deprive ourselves of everything else that life is by chasing it.
I have a desk with 4 monitors, and spend every hour I can there. Believeing that I need to become the best trader ever, because THEN, I could... stop?
There was a story I read years ago that I have never been able to put together since, so it will most likely not come across anywhere near as interesting, and because of that I will not even try that hard;
There was a guy who lived in a little fishing village in the middle of some 3rd world country. He dreamed of success. He made it to the US, started working, then got his own business, then became incredibly successful at making money. He married, had a family, and worked himself silly. He became stressed, irratable, never had time for anything, but just kept going. It was his "dream". One day he was talking with a friend about the craziness of being a business owner, the sacrifices made, and his friend asked, "So what do you want to do when you retire?" He said, "I was thinking of moving to a quiet little fishing village."
We "do" because we can. And rarely take the time to ask if we should.
I am just tired Mike, and actually starting to listen. If I only traded 2 days a week, would that be "failure"? Once a month? What am I trying to accomplish? My answer, is I wanted to save myself. My wife. My friends...
And, maybe I have done that. But not by making back every dollar we lost. But by discovering, slowly, that it doesn't matter as much as I once thought.
I am doing well, cleansing is not a pretty process, my mind not always the most inviting place. But there is an incredible truth that fell into place in that "Trade better making something stop". Stop caring so much, stop trying so hard, stop making money so important.
My wife does not want money, she wants a relationship. My dog does not want money, she wants a playmate. My friends do not want money as much as they want... a friend.
I have "enough" again today. It is not what I had before, but maybe enough was not possible before. And now I am working through the realization that what I thought I wanted to learn to trade for is no longer as relevant. And that realization comes out as conflict.
Trying to tie this into what I think was the topic;
The trade I missed was very upsetting to me, to the point where I had a temporary loss of sanity and chased chaos. What I should be thinking is, why did I exit the trade to start with?
I wanted money.
It did not hit my "target", there was none. I exit intentionally. It did not hit my trailing stop, there was none.
I saw a dollar value that statistically is in the sweet spot, and closed. And then saw that, by my desire to make money, I keep myself from it just as often. The irritating part is deep.
I want a longer trade, but I feel I need the reliability of a regular income, but really I don't. And really, that belief is as limiting as anything. And in the middle of that whole episode, I think to myself, what in the fuck am I doing? Has money become so important that I will do things that I don't want to, not do things I want to do, work more than I care to, and then get upset about it? I had every opportunity to do whatever I wanted with that trade, or any trade. I could be short still, if I wanted.
I do not let things go. Trading or not. And there is the real issue that this whole thing brings up. And I am glad it does.
I may not like it, but I don't like a lot of things that are good for me.
