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Catching Big Waves - a trader's journal of surfing the the markets
The dragon thought came spontaneously after I expanded my trade desk area, and that night after two days of work, I lit some candles and incense, and jokingly called it called it the "Dragon's Lair" (below) to my wife. The next day getting acupuncture, as I lay there with needles all the way down my spine, I thought of myself as the dragon, in a sarcastic way. Then saw the 3 major markets, each as a dragon, and the cycle they move in, intertwined by the tails around a mean, where any can pull in any direction, with any amount of velocity, and the mean just shifts with them.
No,I just figured out that the dragon seed was planted by @researcher247, calling me "Green Dragon" (GD) one day. I knew it came from somewhere.
I am about to build a trading specific computer and have a draft version of a parts list. Anyone available to comment on it? vegasfoster?
I am planning to use the Kingston value Series memory instead of what is shown, and have read a few bad reports …
Any comments are welcome. I am about to start buying parts. The only things I am attached to are the Asus Z87 board (any), Intel i series (went to i5 without hyperthreading), and an SSD HD (may need bigger than 120, I know, still reading and learning).
Where the fight goes down... lol! A lot of work for nothing. But, it is Friday, and i am managing risk with more size, and I see that I did not lose today. Mission accomplished. TGIF!!!!
Sunday night. "Quit" trading on Friday early. Posted it here. Had nothing else to do. Groceries bought, laundry folded, garden kept, dogs walked. Melissa headed off to work. I had volunteered to help build mountain bike trails through SORBA, at Snow Hill, Saturday all day. Still in pajamas...
My thoughts went to feeling relaxed. I opened a beer. Melissa asked me about it, I said, "my weekend just started, and I may go back to bed. I missed some sleep this week..."
the bad news is, I got to around 3 beers and decided I would scalp a bit.
the good news is, my losses are limited by intent.
the better news:::: For the first time since I left this journal, I saw again, this time with better focus and already recognizing it a bit early
what it was that took me not just down, but at the time, OUT.
And from that time forward, have run myself through a fast-forward experience of the emotions that followed, and that has felt very queasy to me.
Tonight I traded Forex, watching for pips, not $, trading .1 lots. I have restored any deficiencies to groceries bought, laundry folded, tomatos trimmed, dogs fed (and asleep). And I sit here in a space of having seen the real enemy again, and this time more prepared, but still nervous.
1) Up until that time, I thought that while there were times of "knowing", that they needed to be exploited. That thought is wrong. Those times need to become relative only to themselves, meaning, the exploitative part is that I should only trade those situations and resulting observed response. But even inside of that area of expertise, the odds remain 50/50. When the moment is over, it is fucking over. "reset", and move on to another session or another market.
2) In the time several months ago, whenever I quit posting for a few months, I was drop-dead sober in my meltdown. Had even gone off of the SSRIs. This time, I had started drinking beers. Which is something i learned to do in trading as a way of signaling, "the day is over. stop. do anything else." But, with the knowledge that alcohol reduces inhibitions, eases sexual tension, and starts fights out of nowhere... I started picking a fight with CL. maybe not that unlike the one I had with @Big Mike. Something about, Trading, is so intense at times that given a chance to breathe, I seem to carry a grudge at breakeven or small loss days. Get out and do something, becomes a mantra of necessity to survive. And "survive" is a new thinking for me as of recently, somewhere around the ricochet moment.
3) in terms of %, last time was a huge drawdown of available resources, I do not want to look right now, because it does not matter. I will say 60%, and if I am wrong, There may be one worse that makes up for it. This time, single digits, with the whole made available in small doses. Each as a chapter to assimilate as writing the next.
4) I met (rarely exist) some guys who changed a few beliefs for me. Just a few. No "system". But something that made a non-reversible shift.
5) The ability to read many charts yet trade one is improved tremendously from last year.
6) I have realized that the LESS I talk about trading in terms of what I am willing to accept or not, the better I trade. I still trade, and have trading-related interests. but I do not want to see anything more than what I know today. There is nothing more. My biggest issue is that I want to make more than I can. "Can" being the key word. And increasing size, without more significantly dilutive scalability, is too many Gs too fast. Increasing size is expected, encouraged as well. But in smaller increments than futures contracts allow most traders. Futures traders go from 100% to 200% to 300% to ... no fucking mercy. FX traders get scaling to their personal settings, if they realized what they had before them. But most will not.
7) That the concept of "most will not" has other connotations way outside of what I had previously envisioned. Never even knew there was another side, most likely. But 1% means not "normal". Extremeties of the backtests. 99% wins, happens 2 days a year. Who the fuck wants to trade that? LOL!!! Well, traders that prefer probability, maybe.
And so, I am writing down something on paper, for the first time in maybe 2 years, as a trading plan. But this plan is written more as rules to a game, really. A "game". And, I get to write the rules.
I am in month 2 of year one, and just got assraped , by myself no less... But , as embarrasing as it is to tell, I have been here before, and this time I knew it was coming.
