My initial thoughts about journaling included seeing if I could actually document the process of becoming a "trader". I am not sure if it makes any sense, or if I was able to say anything that would really be useful to anyone other than myself, but my journal never really had an ending, I just walked away from it. It had too many painful experiences that I did not want to deal with anymore.
But none of it bothers me now. I see it as a long cleansing process, a relentless reshaping of myself, to the point where I would be at times my best friend and worst enemy.
The range of experiences, emotions, struggles, feelings of having gotten "there", and then finding that it was just another mirage...
When a market consolidates in a trading range over a long period of time, we become comfortable with fading it. And then when it does finally break out, often have a hard time going with it. “How far could it possibly go?”, or , “This is insane”....
As a trader, I got stuck in my own trading range, and never did feel right breaking out of it. But, just as all markets eventually do, so did I, and am finding my new balance area somewhere way above what seemed to be “value” before.
Traders also fall into a distribution curve, where the further up you go, the fewer there are. If you expect to be in the top 1%, you have to expect that it will be pretty lonely. The majority gather in the 68% zone.
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I am still in motion psychologically. I see the market within multiple intertwined frameworks, although still within the context of my previous framework(s). Experience squared.
And sorting out between them, realizing that some of it is proven, some is just what I "know", and both have merit. Pick One, is my current mantra.
Feeling this more and more to be a game inside 100x more than outside. And treating it accordingly.
I continue pushing the uncomfortable edges of my size issues. And I see that when I increase size because I feel I am "ready", that is the wrong motivation. Maybe the greedometer is redlining. Most likely.
Trading seems to boil down to being perpetually driven. There is still some sociological disconnect, something I have chosen to see as an infliction of the 1%.... believing there is some similarity at least.
Sociological more than Psychological, I feel maybe for the first time. Either one causes thought, and thought is not allowed, and that is one tough thing to hold onto for any extended period. There seems to be a "knowing to let go" thing about following procedure, where rebellion has to back down enough to facilitate the right thing to occur.
The 1% has to be in this headspace. I think I am, but I am not allowed to think, so... speed reading is what it is like. And you just keep reading. And the pace becomes normal. Like x-games. It requires being so absorbed in the moment that you cannot think. I used to singletrack mountain bike as fast as I could, and the benefit it brought was beyond physical. It put the mind in a space of nothing but here and now. Mogul skiing, or playing a classical guitar piece can bring a similar zone.
Activity induced meditation. Or, aim.
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I am laughing to myself, and Piglet, and Zeus, and Piper. Most importantly to myself though.
Uncomfortable feeling. Queasy-ish. Sociological. Very abrupt change from Psychological to Sociological. Ricochet, was the only word I had befroe I could understand it more. I just wanted OUT. And no, not gay. Free. Whateverhtefuckthatmeans.
Trading is about precision. Period. Oh, wait, and that comes from experience... and that takes a lot of time...
But, other than that, you could make billions
And the really really sinister part is
Last edited by GaryD; February 5th, 2014 at 11:06 PM.
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