A moment of clarity happened upon me today. Not something to get into on a cell phone connection. Which is where I am, in a restaurant with my wife. But, soon I hope to post some of the most beneficial realizations I have had to date. Simple, elusive, freeing.

I have realized that I never have dealt with my loss in a way that has allowed me to heal from it. I started with optimism, then disbelief, then denial, then sadness, anger, and then a motivation that came from a feeling I was going to get "even". And through the entire process, even what felt like the good moments, or the advances... inside has been and still is this void.

While Tolle is very good at discussing exactly where my problems lie, even trying to explain the process of moving on, I feel I am doing it alone. I work alone, in a house that continually brings memories of my past. Or I am in a hotel in some city where I know no one. My friends here in this town are as depressed or more so than I am. My wife works constantly, and so while she is an inspiration and truthfully so much happier than I am, I rarely get to be with her during the day.

Trading became a true religion to me. Belief, hope, faith. And also the social aspect I discovered at futures.io (formerly BMT). Others that shared a similar goal. But recently, when I tried to challenge some things in myself, and as a result my trading took a turn for the worse, by breaking my own rules, self-sabotage to some degree.

I have determined that I am not capable of trading correctly with the mindset I have today. A tiny spark of belief in my competency, coupled with the feeling my work was about to end, was all it took to send me down a dark path yet again.

So, with that discovery, at least for today; I am giving up my pursuit of becoming a trader.

That means, I have also lost my "religion". And with that, a loss of a major source of how I occupied my time, calmed my fears, gave me a good feeling inside, that I was moving forward. But what I have seen that is so freeing, is that so many people come to trading for the same reasons. To heal a loss, or fill a void, a create an identity.

But, meanwhile, the nearly constant struggle that learning to trade can be can bring on this rollercoaster of emotions on a regular basis that really does not help anything.

The concept of "now" is helpful, at times, but I am not able to remain in that space for very long. But, each day I practice and am finding it easier.

I have found myself searching websites, not looking for solutions as much as stories of similarity. The feeling of some support group, not just a belief but a knowing that my circumstances are not just my own. And maybe even hoping to see the path that someone else took to get from one place to another. Perhaps reaching for a mentor of sorts?

Just a few short weeks after I took a major trading loss, I was awarded work, work that came as a complete surprise (as the account was lost), that made up for most of it. Projects that will be completed and cash in the bank in less than 45 days from now. Money out, money in. In some ways the damage was contained.

But, while that softens the blow to some degree, it does not make up for this time I now have on my hands, or for the lack of something that can similarly hold my interest. And most obvious, brings to the surface the fact that I have deeper issues that I never did deal with. My identity shifted.

My wife and I have enough today to get us through maybe 4-5 years of living expenses, quite a leap from a recent bankruptcy, and more than many of our friends who were in a similar situation. I believe I can find work, have proven it to myself again. I will most likely still pursue prop trading, sometime in my future. I have learned more about trading than I ever thought existed, and even today can see that if my head were in the right place, it could provide a real financial benefit.

I have ridden some very big waves in my life, from rags, to riches, to rags, to now on the upside again. What I have recently discovered, what became a moment of clarity, is that I am ready for some calmer waters. Learning to trade will be replaced by learning not to, which really means; learning to be ok with my losses, learning to have other priorities. Learning to have fun again.

If you find this story helps you in some way and would like to discuss it in more depth, feel free to contact me outside of PMs or this thread. I know what is is like to feel alone in trying to sort it all out, and would love to be able to help someone else.

Email: [email protected]

This is probably my last post on this thread. If I make it back to futures.io (formerly BMT), it will most likely be to report some profound wisdom. But for now, I am hanging up my surf board, turning my focus to finding solid ground.

Thanks to everyone who has been a part of this journal. Good trading, and stay safe!

I totally understand where you're coming from, although it is a bit sad to read. About 6 months ago, I too made a decision to end my Trading career. I was extremely depressed about it since I have done nothing but try to master my Trading for about 7 hours a day for close to 5 years . After a few weeks, I regrouped and started SIM trading and gave myself some difficult, but reasonable goals I had to achieve for a month straight before I resumed live Trading. I'm glad I didn't quit now.
You seemed to be one of the few on here, that had a reliable system...had the ability to tune into what the markets were telling you, at any given moment..and extract a decent profit on a consistent basis. It is obvious to me or anyone at my level that you have all the skills needed to do well at this.

What I didn't agree with.. was when you felt you were somehow failing if you didn't hold a trade until a large target was reached. Sometimes targets have to be adjusted..sometimes market conditions force a strategy to be adjusted for in real time. Taking a 10 tick winner, when you wanted 50..because that's all the Market was giving you..is nothing to have beaten yourself up over. It doesn't make someone a "Great Trader" to mindlessly hold a Trade for a given target..when the conditions are clearly revealing that the probabilities of reaching that target have suddenly grown slim. The flexibility you demonstrated consistently in your earlier entries became replaced by an obsessive desire to hold trades..no matter what..due to psychological issues dealing from your past. Trading then became a vehicle of "Therapy" for you..instead of the masterful trading you originally were demonstrating.

I'm sure everyone on here will be supportive of your decision. I just want you to know that you showed a rare insight into the price movement of CL and you should be proud of yourself for the skills you developed .

All the best to you.

Lance

I have realized that I never have dealt with my loss in a way that has allowed me to heal from it. I started with optimism, then disbelief, then denial, then sadness, anger, and then a motivation that came from a feeling I was going to get "even". And through the entire process, even what felt like the good moments, or the advances... inside has been and still is this void.

While Tolle is very good at discussing exactly where my problems lie, even trying to explain the process of moving on, I feel I am doing it alone. I work alone, in a house that continually brings memories of my past. Or I am in a hotel in some city where I know no one. My friends here in this town are as depressed or more so than I am. My wife works constantly, and so while she is an inspiration and truthfully so much happier than I am, I rarely get to be with her during the day.

Trading became a true religion to me. Belief, hope, faith. And also the social aspect I discovered at futures.io (formerly BMT). Others that shared a similar goal. But recently, when I tried to challenge some things in myself, and as a result my trading took a turn for the worse, by breaking my own rules, self-sabotage to some degree.

I have determined that I am not capable of trading correctly with the mindset I have today. A tiny spark of belief in my competency, coupled with the feeling my work was about to end, was all it took to send me down a dark path yet again.

So, with that discovery, at least for today; I am giving up my pursuit of becoming a trader.

That means, I have also lost my "religion". And with that, a loss of a major source of how I occupied my time, calmed my fears, gave me a good feeling inside, that I was moving forward. But what I have seen that is so freeing, is that so many people come to trading for the same reasons. To heal a loss, or fill a void, a create an identity.

But, meanwhile, the nearly constant struggle that learning to trade can be can bring on this rollercoaster of emotions on a regular basis that really does not help anything.

The concept of "now" is helpful, at times, but I am not able to remain in that space for very long. But, each day I practice and am finding it easier.

I have found myself searching websites, not looking for solutions as much as stories of similarity. The feeling of some support group, not just a belief but a knowing that my circumstances are not just my own. And maybe even hoping to see the path that someone else took to get from one place to another. Perhaps reaching for a mentor of sorts?

Just a few short weeks after I took a major trading loss, I was awarded work, work that came as a complete surprise (as the account was lost), that made up for most of it. Projects that will be completed and cash in the bank in less than 45 days from now. Money out, money in. In some ways the damage was contained.

But, while that softens the blow to some degree, it does not make up for this time I now have on my hands, or for the lack of something that can similarly hold my interest. And most obvious, brings to the surface the fact that I have deeper issues that I never did deal with. My identity shifted.

My wife and I have enough today to get us through maybe 4-5 years of living expenses, quite a leap from a recent bankruptcy, and more than many of our friends who were in a similar situation. I believe I can find work, have proven it to myself again. I will most likely still pursue prop trading, sometime in my future. I have learned more about trading than I ever thought existed, and even today can see that if my head were in the right place, it could provide a real financial benefit.

I have ridden some very big waves in my life, from rags, to riches, to rags, to now on the upside again. What I have recently discovered, what became a moment of clarity, is that I am ready for some calmer waters. Learning to trade will be replaced by learning not to, which really means; learning to be ok with my losses, learning to have other priorities. Learning to have fun again.

If you find this story helps you in some way and would like to discuss it in more depth, feel free to contact me outside of PMs or this thread. I know what is is like to feel alone in trying to sort it all out, and would love to be able to help someone else.

Email: [email protected]

This is probably my last post on this thread. If I make it back to futures.io (formerly BMT), it will most likely be to report some profound wisdom. But for now, I am hanging up my surf board, turning my focus to finding solid ground.

Thanks to everyone who has been a part of this journal. Good trading, and stay safe!

Gary, you remember when you wrote this....

Confessions - Stories of defeat and lessons learned Trading is arguably one of the toughest business out there, and I doubt any trader has made it to consistent profitability without many setbacks. I wanted to see if I could entice other traders to share stories of what they believe are their greatest …

and this....

2011 Lessons Learned / 2012 Goals Set I can see a lot of growth and understanding that took place inside myself this year. I can't quite put a time and date stamp on any one drop of wisdom, guessing they'll rarely be that obvious as most are only drops in a bucket. But over the course …

Words only mean so much, Jack said it best....


I wish you the best, if you should be so lucky to find your one thing, do let us know.