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Catching Big Waves - a trader's journal of surfing the the markets
I was at some point, but you may be right, maybe not now. My technical analysis is beter every day, my readin of the market the past few days alomst as if in slow motion. But my ability to feel secure in my decision still suffers, I know, "discipline", but I think I confuse that with something else.
The wrong dream was deadly accurate, but Im not sure about what. How is that for conflict?
Correct, I am not free of my past. Live in the home that I dreamed of and made a reality, but today it is nothing more than a physical manifestation of where I was in life, not where I am. My problem is comparison. And I do not know how to stop it. This has to sound horrible, but the majority of days, maybe 5 a week, I awaken, roll out of bed, and the first word that echos in my head is "fuck". Not the poster child for moving on
I agree with that, but do not like it. I am trading because of experiences where I needed something to believe in, and could find little else. My equity was imploding, my cash draining, my business gone, my credit destroyed, and I saw becoming a trader as a way to take back my independence, and my money, in an environment that seemed like there was nothing else at the time.
Today I have a lot of work again. None at all in my hometown, but if I can stomach the airports and motels, I get paid fairly well,
I'm not sure either M, I just know that I don't feel it. I was alive, energetic, motivated, always moving forward, and it felt good. Now I am scared, risk averse, not enjoying what I do for a living, have thousands of hours into becoming a trader but not possessing the exact psychology to do much about it. Frustrating.
As sad as it seems, I have enjoyed seeing or hearing similar stories to mine. I was at my doctor's office today, went back on some presrciptions that I had sworn of of. He told me of another client who had invested $17M in a highrise project downtown, lost it all, and now has nothing. 12 years older than me. Pathetic maybe, but I felt better after hearing that.
I see some truth to that; in the way I approach others, the level of compassion I have, my conversations with my wife and friends and family. Having to dissect my relationship with money and what it means to me.
Maybe some day. I believe in that way of thinking, but am still so much more student than master.
If it were possible I'd give you a hug now. You are there for me on a level that I understand from how I was brought up. But to keep things from getting weird, we'll just keep that to ourselves...
Today I traded as if on valium. And no, I wasn't. But everything was calm, and copasetic. I just watched, and watched, and took my little piece, no need at all, and the difference in feeling was where I like to be in trading. I took a trade with a 7 tick stop, and nearly knew I was good. Nothing big, net 39, was up 51, back to 20something, then two more tiny moves and done. I waited for moves to happen, and then traded the aftermath. Much easier for me for some reason after the chaos starts than in the silence that preceeds it.
Oh, and I had a breakeven that was 19 in my favor. That is more like I traded a year ago.
And I used a 15m/30m chart a lot today. Something I usually keep, but watch less than everything else.
And, remembering things of significance to me today, I reversed, I was short into the close and saw down was over, reversed for my final 9 ticks.
"When the unknown future(s) throws something unexpected your way, you deal with it without fear, without anguish, without anger. You respond instead of reacting, with balance and calmness, and the joy of knowing that all will be fine, and in the process you will have experienced something new and beautiful."
For the past two days that has been my mantra while I am trading. One contract. No add ins. Just as I did some time ago. Net 182 since Monday, only 52.29% wins. Largest wins 49 long, 29 short; largest losses 17 each way.
If I just allow it to be, continue to tighten my stop, do not look at my P&L, ignore money. Try less to interpret what is happening and more to observe.
The "target" thing is better, but tough as an everyday thing. I have a target, and then realize it probably won't make it.
I feel somewhat "broken" as I finally did go back to my doctor and get back on the prescriptions he never wanted me to stop taking in the first place. I felt like such a loser standing in his office, explaining that things were getting much better, but dealing with living in this house, seeing how slow rebuilding feels, watching myself get older, finding more and more friends out of work here in Orlando, getting tired of airports and motels. Not that it is all bad, I am working, I am far ahead of where I was 3 years ago. Comparison is a bitch sometimes.
I want to move past where I am though, and it seems like the medications do help. They remove some of the emotional side, the fears, the concerns. It will be an interesting test to see how I feel over the next month. And equally important, how I trade.
I started losing interest in posting here a few months ago. At one point felt "detached" from nexusfi.com (formerly BMT). I think now it is more I am tired of talking about trading. The less I talk and the more I am quiet, the more I understand.
I titled this thread "Catching Big Waves", and at the time that seemed to be my life's purpose when it came to trading. Major R:R, that was where I wanted to be. And I have gained a lot from that study. But really, "big" waves are better for big players. Understanding key SR level is an incredible edge, even if the expected move does not occur.
Today, for example, when crude got down into support around 89.17-89.48, and then tried to go into the close above that area, odds increased that shorts would want out. After that, who cares if that support zone holds?
It created enough of a psychological barrier to price movement going into the electronic close, that without some seriously determined sellers, price was going to have to rise...
Will I even catch a big wave, 1,000 ticks or so? I'm starting to not care. The factors that determine those types of move are constantly changing, rare to align, and if I do catch one, is it skill, or luck?
I had a mentor who said, "Want to make a million in trading? Learn to make a dollar a day." That does not sound like such a big wave...
If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability. - Henry Ford
Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Don't find fault, find a remedy.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest
thing in life is to keep your mind young.
If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience and ability.
Speculation is only a word covering the making of money out of the manipulation of prices, instead of supplying goods and services.
I do not believe a man can ever leave his business. He ought to think of it by day and dream of it by night.
There is no man living that can not do more than he thinks he can.
It came from nexusfi.com (formerly BMT). "AaMA" I set mine to T3, and have "flooding" on two of the three I watch. That is what creates the gradual shift between colors, when one is up and the other is down.
