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Catching Big Waves - a trader's journal of surfing the the markets
What needs to be on my charts, before I start listening to myself completely?
Has it come down to ridicule? Or, an attempt at humor?
There is no crystal ball, true. There is no holy grail, true.
But there comes a time when I need to believe in myself.
Yes, trading breaks you down. So what? Go back to where you started. Why were you willing to be broken?
Because,
and I sit here, and all I can come up with...
Nausea. Questioning. It makes no sense why I am even writing this.
If I could give a place i time where I was in on sentence.
I have intentionally developed a desire to not trust myself.
And I hate this part of it. But I am really tearing up again. Cant see the keyboard.
What is really strange, as this journal goes further down the path.... is I could make my average $500 a week, for infinity, Maybe $100k a year... $200k if I did not care...
But that seems so small.
And I think, something happens in the internal wirirng, something wrongly programmed, but we acept at some point, as being the "why". And related to that thought, when another shift comes it feels like such a pivotal point... Why do this, if it were not for the money?
And somewhere there, sometimes still in the distance, sometimes right in my fucking hands... is the answer.
Mesmerizing. Satisfying.
And then, not every time, but too often, it becomes "tomorrow". And in that shift of words, "now" to "if", so innocent... so easy to correct from the outside looking in....
Why do we become so glued to our screens? But to subconscioulsy not let go of the "now"? There is a time when I am so aligned, and I feel that way. When I feel aligned but I am not. When I feel out of synch, and am, and when I am not.
But for me, nothing changes that for the better, than the time spent before taking a trade. No guess as to what "setup" is for today. No question as to today's moving average... or ATR, POC, VWAP, HOD, LOD, WTF.
Watch, and form a basis for your argument. And if I were 20 years ahead of where I am today, a "wise" trader... experienced or not, that is what I feel I should put here. Now. Tonight, tired,
Can you help answer these questions from other members on NexusFi?
It is starting to make me laugh. That I take it so seriously.
It is serious, but if the point is to be happier, if I make it something I consider "less professional". I am not on futures.io (formerly BMT) to solicit "clients". As a teacher? Who the fuck can "teach"? Prove it.
As manager of money? I get that offer regularly. And say "when I can manage my own with confidence". Family. Close friends.
Knowing I have lost some of their money in real estate.... And feel obligated to make it back. Even without pressure.
No, I am not here to manage money for someone else either.
OK, to build an image. Of what? An emotional, obsessed trader, who believes in himself, while doubting himslef?
I write some weird posts recently, thinking it as I type it. It is becoming less comfortable to post it here. It is far more comfortable to post something that I feel is going to be well-received. Particularly weird, that my opponent is myself. And I display that fact with such candor.
Mike, I think I am clearing my mind by digging into this deeper. Maybe the time off the charts would be beneficial sometime soon, I never leave them.
I have an odd sense of humor, and I laughed at myself for some posts I have made. It is like trash-talking in a basketball game, or one friend daring another to go down a certain ski slope.
If I am getting too intense for this site I'll back off.
I have done everything I can think of to do, and am not sure where else to go other than to push myself to break free. I know I said I needed a push, but was not sure I would like it. Right now, there is nothing there to push me, but me.
