My upbringing brought a simlilar quote. "One cannot serve two masters".

I just got off the phone with my wife, explaining how ridiculous it was, that with what I am making now, in something I have done for over 20 years, and am extremely good at (not going for ego, but for definition), but do not enjoy...

When I take a project today, I know 99% of the time what I will make the day I sign on. That is the biggest difference in belief.

I can make money almost every day trading, IF, (and if it were not just silly that word would be huge) 1) I do not care, and 2) the trade size is relatively small.

And at that level, what I know I can do, is about $50k a year. 1-2 contracts. Sounds absurd, I know. Sounds so easy also, to just multiply. But it does not feel easy, and for me, as crazy as it sounds, when the feeling is gone, I do not make money.

So, yes, I can burn the bridge, and I am considering it more each week. Thought I was there; my jobs were ending and my main account went to another PM. Have enough to eat for a few years, a wife who supports me, friends here that encourage me...

And then another offer comes up.

I have not missed a delivery schedule since 1996? I am opening franchises for various businesses across the country, and that one attribute makes what I offer attractive. They need to deliver on schedule, I am almost like an insurance policy. I do not fail. And because of that, it takes a few jobs and I have a new loyal client. Easy. But relentless, unforgiving, in a constant race, time of day means nothing.

Trading works on it's own schedule. Some trades are quick, and those are the best, but most, the overwhelming majority, work on their own schedule, and give plenty of chances to decide they are not going to work out. I know that, and with one contract, it is almost a game. Price can move against me, ok I give. Not that it matters.

But I know, with almost absolute authority, I will find the trade, and I can maintain profitability even at a 50% win rate, because of the way I trade... with one or two contracts. I could be net DD $1k, so what? And hit the next opportunity with zero baggage, 100% belief.

I could survive trading, there is no doubt in my mind.

But in the depths, somewhere there was this positive reward system in what I have done in the past, more psychological than financial, that has a deep knowing of what I produce on an annual basis, and yet that math will not transistion into trading, for some reason that I do not completely understand.

My solution; be willing to accept less. And yes, that works. And so many times recently I find myself thinking, make more, for what? Stuff? Toys? Ego? Proof that I can? And having already been there, none of that seems to matter.

I bought a disc golf set this week, on sale for $19.99, and have smiled more, laughed more, because of that, over the past week than maybe the prior month, maybe two.

I went into making money with a goal, and with that promise I made to myself came the acceptance that I had in some ways sold my soul, temporarily, or that was the initial deal.

I was a slave to my own cause. So, whether I enjoyed what I was doing had nothing to do with it. And that direction brought me shitloads of money. But even that was not the source of happiness, it only brought with it the craving to keep going. How far can this go? Had it not been for the real estate collapse, who knows?

But was I lucky to get thrown off that horse? I often think I was. But when trying to fill the void, the vacuum, that is created by a fast removal of mass, and seeing a way that I know but despise, and needing to gain some sense of credibility with, with myself...

I may eventually run out of things to say here, or of people to talk with about it. We have never met, though I know your name, and I hope like hell some day we do meet. Same with Big Mike, and others that may prefer anononimity (for whatever reason traders do). But what I am trying to get out, what seems to be fighting it's way to the surface inside of me, is that trading is not about money. Which seems fucking preposterous.

But it isn't about money.

And yet, it is.

If I seem to be losing my sanity, which when I read my posts sometimes I am sure it does, what I feel is happening is I am actualy gaining it. Discovering that life and money have nothing to do with each other.

Breaking the cycle is difficult, and what is so incredibly ironic, is if the cycle is broken, for good, there is an unlimited stream of money available for the taking. And by not wanting it, it comes easier. But at that point, it does not matter.

And then, life takes over.

I could not agree more Mike. The truly sobering thing about trading the markets on your own is that no one makes you push that button. Win or lose, we are totally responsible in every way for our successes or failures.

A guy who works for me had a heart attack. He is ok, but it was a scary experience. Knowing the stress of the project I had him on, for both of us, it almost seems his condition was directly related to me. I know, genetics, diet, exercise... but extreme daily stress can be a heavier impact on the body. Hidden, slow, psycho-physical abuse is a part of the job. It caused me to think about whether I am next?

I hit max down today. Had too much going on, covering for him, managing here in Colorado, warranty issues in two other states, new budget due by noon, conference calls... and in the middle of that thought I would get tricky with a divergence trade. Horrible decision in hindsight. A trade I really do not believe in. Not sure why even. My mind was just not here today. Loss was only about 1%, not the first or the last time, but I may sit out tomorrow.

Sorry to hear about your friend.

Do you consider yourself healthy?

Mike