I got out of the house, shut off the computers, and did a lot of thinking yesterday. Did not really even feel like coming back until this morning. I did two things that really bothered me regarding my discipline, and when I feel that way I just go think.
I was watching for a CL setup for about 24 hours, got it, the turn occured near dead center of the 20 cent range I had staked out, entered the trade with a single contract just as it was breaking free, set the profit target at near the top of the move...and then bailed out because it was ahead of EIA. The trade never pulled back.
To have put so much energy into finding that trade, waiting for that trade, conditioning myself for it...and then blow it. That started a tiny virus in the mind. I did catch some good scalps out of it as it ran up, net 399 at the high point.
I gave back 60 ticks in a single trade, trying to catch a continuation of the move that I just "missed". I wrote out once before that when I feel I have missed the best opportunity of the day, all other trades seem to pale in comparison. Looking at it now, it is because there realy is only one "great" trade per day. Or maybe none that day. Well yesterday, I nailed it as if I could see the future...but only in analysis, not by action. Sure, I ENTERED the trade, but then missed the whole point of finding it in the first place. The reward to risk it offered...
That was the first sin of the day.
Then, I gave back my wins. All of them.
It started with the 60 tick hit, that was a decent trade, just went wrong. I even caught the second bottom of the day within about 10 ticks, but dropped it early too as the market seemed "weird", and, to me, I had missed the best trade already.
I waited for CL to show it was going to break the top...it didn't. And by the time that failed, I was down to about 1/3 where I had been. Frustrated with myself, sitting there looking at the mistake I had made, knowing what I had already written earlier and how even that could not force my hand to follow my own trade advice that day.
I might think the logical response would be to leave. But, I hung out until the close, picking at it here and there until my P/L for the day turned slighlty red, and then just left. Computers off, lights off, not feeling like writing about it.
The trade size increase had a lot to do with the slipping profits. I went for very mediocre scalps, just wanting to get back to where I was, or just "one more decent trade and I'll quit", but even if there was another "decent" trade, with the mindset I had at that moment there was no way I could find it.
So I start today back to a few dollars low, after stalking and defining an incredible trade. I have the journal to prove my analysis, my entry, the top I anticipated, my colored lines everywhere, the failed trade is right in my face this morning... I could talk about it beautifully, but not execute it. That is the good and the bad of keeping a journal like this.
Just so amazed that I can study so hard, know what to do, can even do it the majority of the time, and then some days it is like I have learned nothing. Where does that come from? How do I eliminate that? I know, "discipline", but sometimes that falls right into the same category of knowng versus doing.
This is certainly not a post to be proud of as a win... but maybe as a reminder. The fear of sizing up subsided immensely, and in its place came this. The two are related, but that is all I know at this point.
I have no anaylsis today, did not open a chart last night, have not looked at anything really yet today. The charts are open, the market is moving I can see through my peripheral vision, but that is not what is important today. The analysis is within, and contemplating this current issue is far more important to my journey than S/R levels right now. The analysis is the easy part.
It is not that I am looking for advice, I know what I did. I am my own worst critic. I'm just putting it out here to show that I did it. To make myself deal with it.
The following user says Thank You to GaryD for this post:
There are several things against my trading succesfully today. The obvious might be the previous post, but really that has brought something to my attention that should make it not today's issue. It is too freash for me to forget, and that problem should correct itself.
What is against me; I drank 4 beers last night, which is the high end of my tolerence. I have a slight headache today. I also slept with the laptop by the bed, woke up several times though the night to just watch, not trade, just staring as a background to all of the thoughts that were running through my mind. As a result, I maybe had 5 hours sleep.
Also, the market seems to be showing signs of rangebound/whipsaw movement, I assume due to the uncertainty of the Greek elections. The Italian bond auction may mix with the jobs report for a decent move, but motion looks treacherous as it sits as of 8am this morning. I am not interested in crappy trades this morning, had my fill yesterday and lost my taste for them for the moment.