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Quant Jokes

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  #1 (permalink)
 Big Mike 
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"There is an old joke, widely told among economists, about an economist strolling down the street with a companion when they come upon a 100 dollar bill lying on the ground. As the companion reaches down to pick it up, the economist says ‘Don’t bother — if it were a real 100 dollar bill, someone would have already picked it up’.”

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  #3 (permalink)
 Big Mike 
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When asked "your money or your life", attempts to calculate the implied volatility.

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 Big Mike 
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Adapted from a joke about economists:

A quant(financial engineer), a mechanical engineer, and a chemical engineer are shipwrecked on a deserted island. They are starving, and are tired of eating coconuts. They come upon a can of food on the beach....

The mechanical engineer says, 'let's wdge the can between these 2 palm trees and rig a branch to chop the top of the can off' The other two quickly point out that this will destroy the can and likely send the contents all over the place, wasting them...

The chemical engineer says, 'let's take the sea water and reverse the polarity of the water extracting the salt to make an acid and then burn one end of the can off' The other two quickly point out that while this is clever it will likely ruin the contents of the can.

The quant says, 'let's make a simplifying modeling assumption.... let's begin by assuming that we have a can opener'

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 Big Mike 
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A researcher, a risk manager and a trader each bring a dog to a competition.

The first one to display is the researcher's dog. The researcher brought a bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until the maximum amount it could hold. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The second one to display is the risk manager's dog. The risk manager's brought a bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until two thirds of the maximum it could hold and without spilling any milk during the whole process. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The third one to display is the trader's dog. The trader did not bring anything other than the dog. Then he commanded the dog to do what he taught. The dog stands up and walks in the direction of each one of the bowls and drinks all the milk.

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 Big Mike 
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Above were from:
soft question - Good quant finance jokes - Quantitative Finance Stack Exchange

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 rleplae 
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The secrets of financial markets, were to be explained to non-financial people...

Somewhere deep in Africa, appears a man who wants to buy monkeys at 10$ per piece. All people of the village, who knew there ware lots of monkeys in the forest, went on a trip to catch monkeys... The man bought several hundreds of monkeys at 10$ per piece, but because there were less and less monkeys, the people of the village were less motivated to catch monkeys. As a consequence the man announced to raise his offer price to 15$ per monkey. The village people left again on a monkey hunting trip. Eventually the population of monkeys got really reduced and the village people returned to their normal activities. The offer was raised to 20$, but the amount of monkeys dropped so low, that there was almost no monkey to be spotted in the forest and even less probably to catch one. Now the man announced the bid price for monkeys would be 50$. But other business was calling him back to the city and from now own his assistant would deal with the procurement activities. Once the man left to the city, the assistant said to the village people, look at all these monkeys in the cages, i will sell them to you for 35$ and as the man promised he will buy them at 50$... The people from the village collected all their cash, some people even sold their properties to be able to buy the monkeys in the cages. The next night the assistant disappeared and he was never noticed again, neither his boss, only the lots of monkeys who were running in all directions...

welcome in the financial marketplace..

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 mattz   is a Vendor
 
 
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Do you love your math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more."
"Then prove it!"
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."

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 iqgod 
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October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

- Mark Twain



One more:


Why did God create stock analysts ?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

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