i am just curious how many contracts you were in there at you base jump or die spot,seems to me you are a self sabotager ,when we spoke you talked of 3 contract limits ,not 3 contract mutiple limits ,you dont seem to have a real trading plan ,and i am starting to feel you are feeding on the keep positive comments ,and thats why you continue to sabotage yourself ,maybe day trading is not your thing

creekboy 

i am just curious how many contracts you were in there at you base jump or die spot,seems to me you are a self sabotager ,when we spoke you talked of 3 contract limits ,not 3 contract mutiple limits ,you dont seem to have a real trading plan ,and i am starting to feel you are feeding on the keep positive comments ,and thats why you continue to sabotage yourself ,maybe day trading is not your thing

I'm not sure what a "base jump or die spot" is, but I was initially long 4 lots, added 4, then added 4 more for a total of 12.

Interesting comment about feeding on the "keep positive" comments here. @kevinkdog once mentioned the same possibility. I just don't think it's true. I think most people would fade away into the shadows right now when they're ashamed of what their doing. I continue to expose my flaws here as almost a punishment. It certainly was heartwarming to have the futures.io (formerly BMT) community support me the first time I screwed up, and then it was ok the second time; right now, it's just plain embarrasing, and I really don't care to hear someone say hey, "looks like you have an aversion to losing." yeah, no kidding. It's pathetic. (no offense @addchild I appreciate you taking the time to point that out)

It's not a lack of understanding of what is the right/wrong thing to do that is crippling my trading. It's something else.

I know what I'm doing wrong when I do it, and I start cursing under my breath because I am so upset. I start hoping and praying to be saved, and time after time, I feel like God will not give me a break. I honestly think that during the moment, "Please, please just once cut me a break here and save this trade."

Then it becomes a simple process of adding to the trade on any blip that looks like it might turn in my favor, until I absolutely can't take the pain any longer.

I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING ELSE HERE. NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL HELP ME. IT IS TOTALLY SOMETHING THAT I HAVE TO FIX ON MY OWN. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS HERE. THIS IS A JOURNAL TO DOCUMENT A JOURNEY, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO POST THE BAD PARTS. I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP.

Hi Index. I totally relate to what you are saying, trust me, the exact same feelings of asking God for a break "just this once" always pop out when I am trading. Even though you say you don't need help from us, please understand the fact that I am writing this message to you (when I actually should be just working here in my cubicle) means that I am supporting you and cheering for you. I don't think anybody here is judging you, so the embarrassment you feel is just bad energy, so please work hard to release it. God's delay is not God's denial. I'm not here to judge your trading system, just to send positive energy and follow your path. It sounds to me that your risk management messed up the performance. I just want to point out that positive comments are too superficial, at the behavior level. But consistency and proper trading will come from your subconscious mind, so I suggest you seek that route. At least that's what's helping me achieve better results since I started this journey of cleaning the crap out of my subconscious mind and restructuring it for a better life. It's your mind, not your system that is letting you down. Stay strong my friend and master your inner game.

indextrader7 

I start hoping and praying to be saved, and time after time, I feel like God will not give me a break. I honestly think that during the moment, "Please, please just once cut me a break here and save this trade."

Interesting how God is brought into trading. The element of "free will" is the freedom we are given and prefer until something doesn't go our way. I admit that on more than one occasion I have 'thanked God'- sincerely so - for winning my trade; especially when it is connected to my livelihood. When I lose a trade, I don't curse God - God forbid - but I am humbled, again, to realize that God is bigger than my trading angst. So, I take responsibility when I must and am thankful for the freedom to choose to trade.

Ken COTtrader

I know from my own experience that any kind of 'compassion' may hurt yourself even more in this particular situation, but please realize and understand how many people are giving you their full sympathy, respect and appreciation for exhibiting your innermost to the public of a forum...and honestly continue offering advice as well as backing and support to you.

Maybe it would be a quite good idea to step back from trading for a while (as @Big Mike mentioned before) and take a break to compose yourself in order to start over with trading when overwhelming emotions and self-doubt are finally out of your way.

So, that's just a really well-meant advice from a guy who himself had more than enough ups and downs for only one life...

indextrader7 

I'm not sure what a "base jump or die spot" is, but I was initially long 4 lots, added 4, then added 4 more for a total of 12. Interesting comment about feeding on the "keep positive" comments here. @kevinkdog once mentioned the same possibility. I just don't think it's true. I think most people would fade away into the shadows right now when they're ashamed of what their doing. I continue to expose my flaws here as almost a punishment. It certainly was heartwarming to have the futures.io (formerly BMT) community support me the first time I screwed up, and then it was ok the second time; right now, it's just plain embarrasing, and I really don't care to hear someone say hey, "looks like you have an aversion to losing." yeah, no kidding. It's pathetic. (no offense @addchild I appreciate you taking the time to point that out) It's not a lack of understanding of what is the right/wrong thing to do that is crippling my trading. It's something else. I know what I'm doing wrong when I do it, and I start cursing under my breath because I am so upset. I start hoping and praying to be saved, and time after time, I feel like God will not give me a break. I honestly think that during the moment, "Please, please just once cut me a break here and save this trade." Then it becomes a simple process of adding to the trade on any blip that looks like it might turn in my favor, until I absolutely can't take the pain any longer. I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING ELSE HERE. NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL HELP ME. IT IS TOTALLY SOMETHING THAT I HAVE TO FIX ON MY OWN. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS HERE. THIS IS A JOURNAL TO DOCUMENT A JOURNEY, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO POST THE BAD PARTS. I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP.

Hi - First I would say congrats because you didn't blow up the account. So, things are improving... Far from perfect but improving! What is striking me is how much a fighter you are. You punch yourself right and left - fighting your ego - but you always get up and keep moving. You know what you want but you are not there yet... Life is a journey and wanting to be a trader is an difficult and painful path....

As I posted before, this is a self-discipline problem. It will take time to re-wire your brain to new automatism. Going forward I propose you a simple exercise. As soon you have a trade on, put a stop 10, 20, 30 ticks - whatever is appropriate and do not touch the stop ever. You can exit the trade for profit or loss (before stop is reached) but you can never remove or change the stop. Just do it for every trade....
It sounds so easy but your ego is going to fight you very strongly and will tempt you in removing it
because putting the stop and keeping the stop will be admitting defeat which your ego can not accept while your brain knows it's the smart thing to do (cut your loss, and make $$$ with next trade.)

so, write it down on paper and keep reading it every hours, every day [I decide I will put a stop for every trade and will respect it.] - after several weeks, your ego will accept the new rules....

You need to defeat your ego. You can do it - it will just take some time.

If you decide to follow the rule and find yourself not following it - impose a penalty on yourself (50 push-ups,....)... So there is consequence to it.... If you want something to motivate you to not remove/modify your stop- decide that if you do it then you will have to perform this (funny attempt): YouTube I know It would definitively work for me - lol -)

Keep fighting and the force be with you -)

Well I gave you the advise to slow it down, trade smaller and less and try to be more consistent in the things that you can control. I stand by that advise and will leave you with a question, what is it that you want to achieve here?

I mean come on man, do you honestly want to pass the 150k combine now knowing that you are not ready to trade that kind of size with confidence.

You must slow it down, trade a smaller combine, focus on being consistent in your thoughts, actions and trades, build up the necessary confidence so that you don't resort to god and all kinds of crap.

Trading successfully over the long haul is not just passing the combine, it is about believing in yourself and your ability to manage yourself to do the right thing when you know it is the right thing to do. You must know that you can handle what ever the market will do.

This can only be achieved by knowing that it is a long road and you must be prepared to do the work. There is no short cuts. You must stop forcing it. Just take a break and refocus on what you want to achieve. Start off then by doing something right consistently and then move on to the next thing. Remember also that discipline is just the outcome of good consistent behavior, so your task is to teach yourself to keep good consistent habits in your trading. Start small and built yourself up to be a good consistent trader, it takes time but remember if you are not willing to take the time and do the work you will remain part of the 90% loser stats that we all hear about in this industry.

In my opinion you have not earned the right to trade such big size, you should be trading a 1 lot until you have made $1000 then you can reward yourself by trading a 2 lot etc.

Sorry if I sound harsh but you cant rush the process.

Hope it helps,
Ian

marcopolo1 

If you want something to motivate you to not remove/modify your stop- decide that if you do it then you will have to perform this (funny attempt): YouTube I know It would definitively work for me - lol -)

When ...I'd rather lose every trade for the rest of my life.

indextrader7,

I felt compelled to reach out to you because I feel your frustration and pain. I have been through what you are going through now. All successful traders have to work through the same issues; to fight the same demons. We've all been there. I beileve that if you work thru the issues, and don't give up, you will come out the other side intact, and a better trader for it. I'm going to go 'out on a limb' and venture to guess that your trading issues are something other than your trading system or you rmarket knowledge. Your journal posts indicate that you have a solid understanding of technical analysis and the markets.
I also trade a combine with TopStep. I also trade my own funded account. I trade with Topstep to see if I can get funded from them so that I can trade their account as well as my own personal funded account. I think TopStep has a fantastic program. One of the educational offerings they have is the IDT course: 'Intuitive Developement Training' course. That course is taught by Ray Burchett, a very successful floor trader. He really helped me address some of the internal conflicts I had about trading that where holding me back. I highly recommend that you look into that course. Also, if you haven't already read "Trading in the Zone" (by Mark Douglas), you should. I think in your case, it could turn your trading around rather quickly. You can read it in a weekend. It'll give you some very useful trading 'exercises' and ideas to help you address any conflicting beliefs and/or internal 'issues' that you may be experienceing in trading that may be holding you back. If you have already read it, then read it again.
I enjoy following your progress. It takes courage to make yourself so vulnerable by posting your trading ideas and results. But, don't let any negative commentary keep you from posting. Most of us appreciate and enjoy following your journey. I'll look for you in the TST chat rooms, and give you a 'shout out' . For now, don't give up, and keep the updates coming.

Cheers,
Brad
bmoore (TopStep Trader chatroom name)

indextrader7 

I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING ELSE HERE. NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL HELP ME. IT IS TOTALLY SOMETHING THAT I HAVE TO FIX ON MY OWN. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS HERE. THIS IS A JOURNAL TO DOCUMENT A JOURNEY, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO POST THE BAD PARTS. I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP.

IT7,

I think this says it all. I think @Big Mike may have been correct.. It is time to step away from trading and work on yourself. Best of luck to you and much success in whatever you choose to do.

Wolf