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What % of your account are you losing. 25% of life savings and a months salary have no context.
If you are losing 1 or 2 %, then that is to be expected in trading. If you are losing 10% then you are eventually going broke.
"The days when I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days" RW Hubbard
I think you need to do a better job of informing her.
I see her as an even less experienced trader than you, emotionally anyway, and as anyone in this game for any length of time can tell you, it's pretty much all emotion.
You need to do a better job ensuring she understands how much of a drawdown can happen and accept it BEFORE it happens. You also need to show her you are following your rules; its not up to her to believe you. How well are you tracking your performance?
Trust is not owed, it's earned.
Sorry if that's a bit hard to hear, but you asked.
Two other pieces of advice, worth every cent you paid for 'em: a) BOTH of you go read What I Learned Losing a Million Dollars and discuss it. b) Go back to sim until the E-micros come out next week.
I hope trading enhances your relationship, but for now it sounds like it's corroding it. Time to update more than just your trading plan.
Firstly I agree about what @bob7123 said. People who do not trade are unlikely to understand that trades may fail for a variety of reasons and fixing something today does not necessarily guarantee a winning trade tomorrow. So trying to articulate as fully as possible the randomness in markets as well as human nature's of making mistakes is helpful.
All the above provided you are 100% confident you already have a positive expectancy of course.
I would also review the values you and your wife share, i.e. revisit the fundamentals of your relationship (e.g. love, trust, passion in something, etc.), whatever they may be. I'm sure money is important in relationships but remembering why one got together in the first place is always worth pointing out (not to us here on FIO, I mean between the two of you).
I've been on the other side, where it was my wife trading and me supporting her process. She went 10 years without being profitable, but I supported her, even during some dark times (she is now regularly profitable). I was the one who pointed her in the direction of trading and she loves it. Now I am at my own trading desk (starting at the beginning of this year), so she is now required to have the same level of patience as I work through losses and systemic failures. Fortunately, she understands because she has been there and has been completely supportive.
One thing that is deadly to your day-to-day trading, in my opinion, is that she is inserting her FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt) into your process. I would recommend nixing the daily updates, because it will affect your psychology deeply as her stresses will seep into your trading. You will be trading to satisfy her inherent need for security (or other needs), and her risk tolerance is probably not the same as your risk tolerance. Cut those updates to weekly, or ideally monthly. Unless you are losing $1k+ per day.....then maybe you need to work on your system before trading live.
If you are trying to earn and learn at the same time, that is probably a bad idea. You will have plenty of losses while learning and ti may be months or longer before you are regularly profitable. It is part of the process. As someone mentioned, work in sim first or what for the e-micros to come out this month and trade those. I think the sim idea is probably the best, because you can then show her how it should look. It won't necessarily allay her fears, but maybe it will bring some understanding and empathy.
I am guessing she is not a trader. I encourage you to invite her into your trading room and walk her through your process. Describe how you feel before, during, and after you make a trade. Talk about risk, money management, and psychology. Don't try to impress her with numbers.
One of my friends here on FIO is @snax, who has a really disciplined approach to training and developing as a trader (the good trading habits) in sim, before actually jumping into live trading. I recommend looking at his journal.
If trading is ruining your relationship, then you may want to reconsider trading. Your wife needs to be patient and supportive. Success doesn't happen in a day, week or month. This is a lifetime thing, and you and your wife need to be committed together on this or everything will come falling down. If you (and wife) don't have the time, patience and resources (money) for the long haul, then you need to decide what is more important. You can ask around here, but a trading account is much easier to replace than a spouse.
I kind of went all over the place with this response, but I do agree with a lot of other's responses. I sincerely hope this helps and best of luck.
Far from being all over the place, I think that was a great post. I think it's a great template for talking to your spouse, as well as how to have productive self talk too.
Thanks, and thanks for the tip about @snax's journal.
My wife is not a trader, and she is very emotional. I have a very high risk tolerance (she does not). She really enjoys the feeling of security a steady paycheck can bring and up until a week ago I had one. Now I am out of a day job and steady paycheck so the stress of adjusting to that plus the timing of the drawdown sucks and threw her over the edge because the plan is me to earn by trading for a living instead of getting another job.
I do have a trading journal i keep in a spreadheet on my computer so i could show her that with all my notes and color highlights etc. But not sure she would get it so it would even help her. So much of getting better comes with experience and being immersed in it and being able to "see". Non trader will not understand what you see.
Basically every day I make money she says good job. But if I lose its like she loses all hope. I told her if it gets to the point I have to go get a job I will. Trying to calm her down.
I am not at the point of needing to do that though because I track my trades on a daily basis and cannsee how much on average I will make a week. And i keep a weekly budget tracking every single expense and have projected that out for the year. So when i compare the gains in trading projected against the budget, it all maths out fine. But trying to restore faith in me is tough since i have lost a lot of money in the past... With different failed strategies, and so even though my strategy now is different, she sees any loss as cumulative of instead of seeing a loss from an old trading strategy as an isolated event that is unrelated to my current method/system.
I have found that she usually calms down if she goes out and gets exercise, or i buy her roses and a card if it gets really extreme (which is what I did when she found out I was out of a job). She is very sensitive. Fortunately am usually quite stable emotionally so we make a good team. Usually i can calm her down.
So far everything today seems alright since I made money today Lol.
This is why maybe weekly updates are better than daily. The big picture is hard to see when you're in the thicket. If you believe that your system has a statistical edge, then you need to convince her that your system is sound. Then just go and execute your plan.
25% of your life savings IMO is totally irresponsible in a partnership. I don't care how passionate you are, the overwhelming chance is you are going to lose that money actively trading.
If you are old and don't have a ton of time left to live that amount is too high.
If you are young you are risking the capital with the longest time to compound so it is a bad idea.
Personally, I would get a second job and tell the wife the money from this second job is for your trading bankroll.
So what if it takes you a few years to save up.
@centaurer
I would agree to a point. However, if you treat your trading like a business, i.e. entrepreneurial, then it would not be irresponsible. I cashed out a 401k to start one of my businesses, which went on to be successful. Then I funded another company that was mildly profitable, then another that was barely profitable, then another that was a disaster (not our fault, rather a vendor that became insolvent before delivering equipment). And one more that is profitable.
All of my/our capital was/is at risk, whether we were providing services, selling retail, or manufacturing (we have done all of these). We would do it all over again for any of these businesses, given the same circumstances, despite major losses or lean times along the way. That is probably why we can trade like we do. When we accept the risks and reward of our trading business, it is no different than when our vendor screwed us out of $50k in inventory. And when you lose $50k like that, it makes a $500 trading loss feel like nothing.
Like you, I would probably drive an Uber, substitute teach, or do whatever if I needed to bootstrap my trading business. Whatever it takes...
@vmodus It is no different than if your wife has been really inspired by watching James Holzhauer on Jeapordy and wants to use 25% of your combined life savings to fund a sports betting business.
Of course she could find edges like James Holzhauer but the overwhelming chance is that is not the case.
I guess it depends though how much you value the marriage. If you don't value the marriage much then it makes sense with basically using the wife's income stream as leverage.
IMO it is best to just avoid having the wife altogether and answer to no one when it comes to your capital.
