perhaps you are looking at it the wrong way... specially if you are not yet really trading but still learning ... first, why dont you see if you understand why she gave you that ultimatum... is it because you are spending lots of time in front of a screen and not paying attention to her? is it because you are spending the rent money on the trading effort? find out from her what is making her give you that ultimatum, dont guess at it. Once you know, it is easier to figure out how to make a compromise and keep both...
if you are spending every hour online trading, then there is something wrong... and you should look at that... you might need to learn some time management and ensure to schedule your trading efforts when she is not around so there is no conflict for attention... women are simple, yet complicated, it is all about them and what they want.. which makes them rather easy to manipulate.. same thing for man, we are simple and we are all about ourselves, which is why woman find it so easy to manipulate as well.. so understand where the friction comes from and deflect or work around it..
there is always the option to find someone else... or just tell her no, it is the way it is... but I dont think that will end up the right way since she is not married to you or anything like that and can replace you quite easily..
it would all also be a different story if you were making money off the trading, then you could ask her if she wanted to give up whatever you were obtaining with the trading money and that would be the end of it..
oh, dont make the mistake that some might make to get her involve... she might turn out to understand things better than you and be a better trader than you... and if your ego can tolerate that, the relationship will pretty much be over... not many man can tolerate competition from their woman...
that is how I would proceed in any event, understand the issue at hand first, find the source, and address it..
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I am not sure I get the entertaining part of the experience of a gambling adict... that would be like saying that a cancer survivor support group member experience is entertaining... which to me is rather short sighted and close minded ... if I was to show up to a group of any kind that would be relating their experiences, it would be to learn from their mistakes and to recognize the signs of trouble... not to "entertain" myself... for that I would go to vegas and gamble or go to a firing range and fire a few shots at a few targets..
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I agree, entertaining is not the word. Enlightening is more accurate.
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Thank you for your responses. Very useful see other angle of view. The core problem I see in paying attention. We see each other mainly in weekends (we are living 40 km apart). She is studying at university and I have a job, so common living is not possible yet. I should make some compromises, if she approach on that. Maybe she is just despair, and give me ultimatum...
Once again, thank you for other view. Now it is up to me.
updated 8/15/2011 1:15:01 PM ET 2011-08-15T17:15:01
Addiction is a chronic brain disorder and not simply a behavior problem involving alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex, experts contend in a new definition of addiction, one that is not solely related to problematic substance abuse.
The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) just released this new definition of addiction after a four-year process involving more than 80 experts.1.
its core, addiction isn't just a social problem or a moral problem or a criminal problem. It's a brain problem whose behaviors manifest in all these other areas," said Dr. Michael Miller, past president of ASAM who oversaw the development of the new definition. "Many behaviors driven by addiction are real problems and sometimes criminal acts. But the disease is about brains, not drugs. It's about underlying neurology, not outward actions."
The new definition also describes addiction as a primary disease, meaning that it's not the result of other causes, such as emotional or psychiatric problems. And like cardiovascular disease and diabetes, addiction is recognized as a chronic disease; so it must be treated, managed and monitored over a person's lifetime, the researchers say.
Two decades of advancements in neuroscience convinced ASAM officials that addiction should be redefined by what's going on in the brain. For instance, research has shown that addiction affects the brain's reward circuitry, such that memories of previous experiences with food, sex, alcohol and other drugs trigger cravings and more addictive behaviors. Brain circuitry that governs impulse control and judgment is also altered in the brains of addicts, resulting in the nonsensical pursuit of "rewards," such as alcohol and other drugs.
A long-standing debate has roiled over whether addicts have a choice over their behaviors, said Dr. Raju Hajela, former president of the Canadian Society of Addiction Medicine and chair of the ASAM committee on addiction's new definition.
"The disease creates distortions in thinking, feelings and perceptions, which drive people to behave in ways that are not understandable to others around them," Hajela said in a statement. "Simply put, addiction is not a choice. Addictive behaviors are a manifestation of the disease, not a cause."
Even so, Hajela pointed out, choice does play a role in getting help.
"Because there is no pill which alone can cure addiction, choosing recovery over unhealthy behaviors is necessary," Hajela said.
This "choosing recovery" is akin to people with heart disease who may not choose the underlying genetic causes of their heart problems but do need to choose to eat healthier or begin exercising, in addition to medical or surgical interventions, the researchers said.
"So, we have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction, and start creating opportunities for individuals and families to get help and providing assistance in choosing proper treatment," Miller said.
her a student and you have a job... easy to handle... some advice.. take it as you will.. ... not perfect advise, just drawing from my own experience, nothing more.
1) send her flowers, or teddies, or chocolates, etc... sporadically but scheduled (the scheduled part is so that you dont forget, but make it randomly really, setup your computer to generate ramdon alerts for you to send them) women love to receive presents.. and to showcase in front of her friends, so find out her class schedule and send it to her when she is in class... let her know you are thinking of her... that will score major points (and get you L**d) she will then be getting attention from all angles.
2) when you do see her, dont even look at a computer or even talk about trading... cook for her or take her somewhere on a picnic (whatever is cost effective, aka cheap).. and engage her on conversation that is about her.. keep her talking about her issues and challenges and listen and suggest, etc..
3) f*** her brains out when she comes around (assuming that you are having a sexual relationship of course, no offense intended with that suggestion) ... make her know that she has been missed, if you know what I mean.
those few things alone, will eliminate your problem.... guaranteed...
Last edited by sysot1t; August 15th, 2011 at 05:09 PM.
with all due respect to the "experts" ... addiction is not a disease... it has to do with a weak mind and character..
an addict finds fullfillment on their addiction because something else is amiss in their lives.. and as such they seek escape on that addiction... cigarretes, drugs, alcohol, gambling,sex, etc... they all try to address our needs differently.. many alter our brains chemically, and as such we chase the feeling to escape... usually the part that is missed is the whole: we are trying to escape, we will chase what makes us feel better, and because we want to continue to escape rather than fixing the source, we become adicted to chasing what makes us feel better.
addiction is very much a choice that a human makes over time to give into their desire to escape from their reality and rather accept their "new" reality... in which they are happy.. even if that in fact is short lived and it destroys them...
I am not an addict, but I have seen plenty of people who are and it all comes down to their character and what they are addressing internally (emotional/psychologically).. nothing more, or less...
society just seems to like excusing their members...
Last edited by sysot1t; August 15th, 2011 at 09:44 PM.
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I agree in part systot,they are replacing something in their lives with these addictions but that does play into their chemical balance issues. As the 'high' does affect their chemical makup in their brains. Alot of drugs like Prozac affect the neurotrasmittor levels as helpful in increasing serotonin or norepi instead of the person looking for that high through those activities. I think the moral/weak will was used soley as the basis for addiction in days past,not so much anymore. Though I think it takes both. Cheers
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sysot1t, physical and psychological addiction are very real and expecting people to "just quit" is ignorant and naive. Now whether their "character", as you put it, determine their choices is another argument, but I think lifes choices are much more complicated than that.
Unfortunately people want simple black and white solutions, but this isn't reality.
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