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Significant Other & Trading
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Significant Other & Trading

  #1 (permalink)
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Significant Other & Trading

I recently lost a very important person that was in my life for 4 years (gf). One of the things that has been going through my head is she did not think much about what i was doing as far as trading and was a main reason she left. I was of the mindset that i was doing the best thing that anyone could ever accomplish for family. I tried to explain this but she never cared to hear about it. Now i am having little voices that are causing me to doubt what i am doing sometimes but know that if i push forward i will be ok and she would have missed out on a lot of the benefits. I guess i need reassurance about trading of some sort to overcome these thoughts. I was not sure to post this in the psychological section. Any help and input would be greatly appreciated.

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  #2 (permalink)
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adrian View Post
One of the things that has been going through my head is she did not think much about what i was doing as far as trading and was a main reason she left.

Replace 'trading' with any other profession and the story is the same, as far as I can tell. She didn't appreciate something about you, and eventually it was a dealbreaker for her. Obviously I can't know for sure, but I would wager that if you had given up trading, she would have moved on to the next thing she wanted to change about you. And it would just be ultimatum after ultimatum, spoken or unspoken.

Imagine years from now you are stuck in another job writing on futures.io (formerly BMT) that you gave up trading for your gf, and now one of your biggest regrets is that you never gave trading a chance. You need to lead your life and find someone that wants to live your life with you.

At least, that's what I demand for myself. And as a silver lining, you may have better chances with your trading if you don't have someone in your life doubting you all the time.


Last edited by Richard; January 21st, 2010 at 02:55 PM. Reason: typo
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  #3 (permalink)
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young , free, single and doing what you love, what is there to complain about?

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Be the person you want to be. Do what makes you happy.

Then find someone who admires these traits in you.

Life is to Short!!!!

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  #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for the excellent responses

Richard, I believe she appreciated my low six figure engineering income more than she did me. That income dissipated with the poor economy.


Cory and Rjay, great words that i will revisit daily.

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  #6 (permalink)
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Adrian,
I'm sorry to hear it. Maybe you guys can work it out, though.. time will tell.

I don't know you or her, but the part that got my attention was when you sounded like you were confused about what happened or the why of it. I hope you can just ask her or if you did, that you could say you still don't understand and could she help you understand it better.

A 4yr gf makes me wonder if it wasn't her thinking nothing was moving forward. ugh. yes. I did say that... not my business. But you said gf and family in the same paragraph, maybe she wanted to see a ring, hear "fiance"... Just a girl's point of view.

Another thing is that I just rarely find is that it's only one person that has something to learn or see in themselves in a breakup: I'm sure there were some things that weren't working over the time of the relat. -- I'd wonder if it was more about how well you both were able to communicate, resolve conflict, be honest about what you wanted/who you were.. or circumstance (economy). Or sometimes, it takes some time and space to realize you missed something that was obvious all along and at that point, you might have something new to say/consider to and with each other.

good luck. I am sure if you are passionate about trading, that you are meant to be doing that. I have found many traders have addictive personalities, workaholic tendencies (LOL!)... So, a possibility is also: how balanced was your life with trading and did she feel she wasn't a priority or something along those lines.

Sorry; I don't feel things are always about money or cut & dry in B&W with relationships. But, you know her best. And, maybe you're absolutely right. (so, then, instead of being angry at women thinking that's all they want, what did you do or not do that allowed yourself to stay with a person like that for so long and not admit it?)

all only meant with the best intentions and wishes...

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  #7 (permalink)
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gold,

excellent points gold. without getting in to too much detail she was not ready for the next step per her words...which may have been a clue. i have no anger toward her as this will not help...i guess it is true that love is blind of which it lasted so long. i do have my faults and must work at improving them.

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  #8 (permalink)
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adrian View Post
I recently lost a very important person that was in my life for 4 years (gf). One of the things that has been going through my head is she did not think much about what i was doing as far as trading and was a main reason she left. I was of the mindset that i was doing the best thing that anyone could ever accomplish for family. I tried to explain this but she never cared to hear about it. Now i am having little voices that are causing me to doubt what i am doing sometimes but know that if i push forward i will be ok and she would have missed out on a lot of the benefits. I guess i need reassurance about trading of some sort to overcome these thoughts. I was not sure to post this in the psychological section. Any help and input would be greatly appreciated.

Adrian, sorry to hear this. I can only imagine what you are going through. I went through a divorce, prior to my trading, that was something I very much did not want but she did. It blindsided me.

I've quoted a few things others said:


Richard View Post
Replace 'trading' with any other profession and the story is the same, as far as I can tell. She didn't appreciate something about you, and eventually it was a dealbreaker for her.


RJay View Post
Be the person you want to be. Do what makes you happy.

These two quotes are very true, and exactly what I would have said. Having worked in a corporate job for over 7 years, and be miserable, and also have my girlfriend and then later wife hate my job and hate what it was doing to me, I can understand both sides of the story. I hated it, but it was good money, and it was working with technology which I enjoyed. I kept trying to change the corporate company to fit me, but in the end that was not possible. My wife hated how it made me feel, what it did to me each day, etc. She hated that I would not leave it. She eventually left me, and an extremely large part of her unhappiness was with my unhappiness with my job. I guess I was willing to tolerate it, as "bread winner", and I never saw the impact it had on her until it was too late. Still, she left for other reasons too, ultimately she was cheating on me, but I think overall she was a good person and was just searching for happiness.

I believe that you MUST do what makes you happy. Even if it means a struggle for your family, within reason. I don't mean risk shelter or poverty. But I do mean risk a lot and shoot for your goals, aim high, be happy! In the end, your entire family will be happier as well, and better for it. Ever talk to the old grandpa or great-grandpa in the family who likes to tell you how you should do what makes you happy? He then goes on to tell you how that isn't something he was given the opportunity to do, he had a hard life and worked hard, and wasn't happy with it. But in the end, he recognized what was important, and that was being happy.

If your girlfriend couldn't support you, it was probably for a variety of reasons. She probably couldn't understand what this is, what it means, how hard it is. No one can, really. And she couldn't blindly trust you to do what is right. You can have one or the other I think, but you must have at least one of those. I think you had none with your girlfriend, just based on what you've said. But like what happened with my wife, in the end I came to realize she was unhappy, and even though what she did was wrong, I don't blame her because I just wanted her to be happy, and for her to be who she is.

So you could look at this as a blessing, in some ways. You can also look at it as a wake up call. Only you can decide what to do from here, but I encourage you to keep reaching for the stars.

Mike

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  #9 (permalink)
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Adrian,

BTW, I should have added something else. It took me the better part of a year to start to move on with my ex-wife. While I understand you want to do something to occupy your time and thoughts, trading right now today is not smart.

If you were working a "9-5" job your performance would suffer, but you'd still get a paycheck and other people around you would help pick up the slack. But with trading, it's just you dude, and your performance is still going to suffer, and your paycheck will too.

So, while personally I'd like to see you keep trading and aiming for what makes you happy, you also need an intermediate plan as you get back into a sound psychological place where you aren't second guessing your decisions and yourself.

I know cory said something like "your single, beer, women, what's not to like?" lol, and it's really true even if it just seems like a typical response. For the longest time I felt like I was incomplete without being married, but I got over it. I still want to remarry one day, but for now it isn't required in my daily happiness.

Mike

Due to time constraints, please do not PM me if your question can be resolved or answered on the forum.

Need help?
1) Stop changing things. No new indicators, charts, or methods. Be consistent with what is in front of you first.
2) Start a journal and post to it daily with the trades you made to show your strengths and weaknesses.
3) Set goals for yourself to reach daily. Make them about how you trade, not how much money you make.
4) Accept responsibility for your actions. Stop looking elsewhere to explain away poor performance.
5) Where to start as a trader? Watch this webinar and read this thread for hundreds of questions and answers.
6)
Help using the forum? Watch this video to learn general tips on using the site.

If you want
to support our community, become an Elite Member.

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  #10 (permalink)
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Mike,

Thank you for the solid response. I intend to take it day by day at this point. As far as trading I hope to continue forward at least with studying and maybe sim. Again, thank you all for the much needed words.

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