Significant Other & Trading
|January 22nd, 2010, 05:37 PM||#11 (permalink)|
Futures Experience: Intermediate
Favorite Futures: ES
Posts: 65 since Sep 2009
Thanks: 117 given, 74 received
Wow, Mike, I so respect your honesty and what you shared. Amazing reflection and awareness and acceptance.
Similar to what you described, Adrian, I lived with someone for 9 years. And, I was engaged to him for 3 of those yrs. After the first year we were together, he wanted to get married. And, I just didn't.
In many ways, I was avoiding diving deeper into some things I needed to learn about fears I had and relationship skills I didn't learn in my family because he didn't force the issue for so long. (That she was able to leave can be seen as a gift to let you move on more quickly to what you really want or at least to possibly address whatever might not be working and work it out together maybe.)
At that time (without being able to verbalize it then) I wanted safety more than love. I knew what I had with him, and he was there for me. I loved him but wasn't in love with him. And, that was probably all I could handle at that time (safety). I didn't try to manipulate him; didn't lie to him; didn't cheat on him.. etc. I thought he was a great guy all around. I don't regret not marrying him, but he was perfectly loveable and a really good man.
After that ended, I did choose to go pretty deep into myself and figure some things out. And, I'm a better, more aware person for it. Getting married isn't as farfetched to me now as it was then.. and being with someone for safety isn't something I'd do again. I didn't have conscious awareness of what I was doing then nor any desire/intention to hurt him. It just was what it was -- and he wanted more than I did from it.
Anyway, I hope you'll be very gentle with yourself, Adrian. ... I'm sure this is a gift, if you can see it that way or just trust that is is until you can see it. If there are things you need to realize or see, I'm sure they will be obvious when you're ready or when/if the time is right. Happy weekend. Go easy on yourself.
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