Rodney Dangerfield

February 13th, 2011, 07:48 PM

I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I was born.....the doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father....I'm very sorry.
We did everything we could..... But he pulled through.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents.
I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them?
He said...I don't know kid......there are so many places
they can hide.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat.
The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to keep out of those places.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child
psychiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One day as I came home early from work.....I saw a guy joggin
naked. I said to the guy....Hey buddy.....why are you doing
that? He said.....Because you came home early.

"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
at fractions.'"

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing
a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I called up my wife the other day and said
"Honey, I was thinking about the last time we had sex and it got me excited!"
She said, "Who is this?"

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex.
Last night, she called me from a motel.

I told my son, "Someday you'll have kids of your own." He said, "So will you!"

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I
was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

February 10th, 2014, 01:43 PM

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. .

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I
wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said..."Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he
leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

I'm so old, I could go tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I hope I do go tomorrow... I didn't go today.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield