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Humor

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  #1 (permalink)
Rochester Hills, Michigan
 
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Market Wizard
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Excellent. Really enjoyed this. Thank you again.

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  #3 (permalink)
Rochester Hills, Michigan
 
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HOW LITTLE JOHNNY SELLS TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said,
"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would
keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say,"It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something ****ty that they say is good,
and then making you pay to get the ****ty taste out of your mouth."

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  #4 (permalink)
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Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with
a
great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy
for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just
waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike.
Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of
the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you
happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to
here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way
out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the
key
and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She
couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there
cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just

waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits
WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a
ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way
out,

Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either
screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this
great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

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  #5 (permalink)
Rochester Hills, Michigan
 
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  #6 (permalink)
Rochester Hills, Michigan
 
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on
> the door.
> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
> in
> the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
>
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> "Who was that?" asked his wife.
>
> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>
> "Did you help him?" she asks.
>
> "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
> there!"
>
> "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
> about
> three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? .
> I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God
> loves drunk people too."
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
> rain.
>
> He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
>
> "Yes," comes back the answer.
>
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>
> "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>
> "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk

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the congo
 
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Well, best joke I have heard recently was by Day Trade To Win, you know.... the one about the Atlas Line


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  #8 (permalink)
Rochester Hills, Michigan
 
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__________________________________________________________

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  #9 (permalink)
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www.break.com/pranks/husbandprankswife.

Incometrade
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Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe..
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :....... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined..
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:...... Jack teaches Rose to spit..
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :...... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :...... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of sea men.
Clinton :..... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

After all, it's what you learn AFTER you know it all, that counts!
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Detroit
 
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Ok here is my stab at it -

Three nuns were asked to clean there church one very hot day...

One of the nuns suggested becuz it was hot lets do it naked it was only us three here...

So they all decided to take their robes off etc.

A knock came at the door

One of the nuns ran to the door and opened the window thing in the door

"Yes, what would like"? she asked.

"I am a blind man...can I come in" he said.

Not sure she ran back to her sisters and told them the situation... After a bit of time

they all decided I would be fine since he said he was a blind man...

All three went to greet him at the door and as he was walking in calmly stated ...

..." My what nice breasts you have... now where are the windows that need the blinds"?


ok I know ....corny!!!!

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Have a laugh!

After all, it's what you learn AFTER you know it all, that counts!
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Happy Easter!

OK, get ready for the mandatory stupid Easter posting that you know you’ve been anticipating….

A man is driving along a highway and
sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit jumps
right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as
well as an animal lover, pulls
over and gets out to see what
has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of
the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and
asks the man what’s wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead
Easter Bunny, bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another
10 feet, turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,

and repeats this again and
again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman
and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the
Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can
around so that the man
can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're
gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray”
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

After all, it's what you learn AFTER you know it all, that counts!
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NYC
 
 
Posts: 187 since Dec 2010

Political media in the United States
YouTube - Sal & Richard Jack & Rod Show - Powerful Political Monday

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Market Wizard
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no words needed.

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Belgium
 
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Economics is a science that combines hard mathematics and human behavior. The first part is easy to explain, the second is not. Human behavior unfortunately is not uniform and neither predictable. Therefore different societies field different responses to economics theory or apply its lessons in a different fashion. here are the major differences among nations and cultures.
A Cow based Economics Lesson:



SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

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